A little personal - Part 1
This is hard for me to express, so please forgive the jumping. I've decided to break this up in parts. I won't be proofreading this.
Let's just dive right into it..
I got pregnant at 23. 2-3 months after I moved to LA. Not by a stranger, but a person that I knew for years.. So you can imagine how shocked I was to find myself being pregnant alone. Now although he was, and still is, a good person, I remembered him being greater. The feeling of abandonment is a trigger for me. I get mean, anger.. Defensive. I say things that I probably don't mean, just to make you feel what I feel. And that's exactly what I did to him. Not to justify his actions, because having my back at such a crucial time should've been a priority of his; but I was mean. Beyond mean. Brutal. Hurt.
Pregnant and depressed. I wasn't happy with my career status. I was in debt up to my neck, and didn't have a real plan. I didn't have a clue to how I would/could make "this" work. But doing the unspeakable didn't even cross my mind.. This time around. Even though the unspeakable is exactly what my mother thought she wanted. At the time.
See.. She was scared for me. She was a single mother of 2 by the age of 23 and didn't want me to struggle. She knew it would be hard. So you can't blame her for asking. But I already had my mind made up. Or, rather, God did. I felt warmth when I thought about my unborn. I knew that "this" was real. And even though everyone close to me thought I was crazy, I knew what I had to.
Planning. Budgeting. Praying. Dreaming. Nesting. Growing.
I saw him during doctor's appointments. He texted to check up on me from time-to-time. He was going through a lot. But so was I. I was angry at being pregnant alone. And I took it out on him each and every chance I got. It wasn't fair. "Be nice", they said, "He's dealing with it his way". I should've listened, but can you blame me for not? Someone who was a protector jumped shipped when times really got rough. I felt abandoned.
Pride makes you do stupid things. 6 months of being mean nonstop, and I was growing by the week.
Part 2 next week..