A little personal - Part 6
** Disclaimer: This is unedited
The nurses rolled me off to the recovery room, which I shared with another first time mom. Took my vitals and taught me how to get Jace to "latch". It's funny how babies are born with instincts. He knew just what to do.
I was allowed to have visitors, but only a couple at a time. He brought our moms to the room first - followed by his dad. My dad was in Afghanistan, so he was unable to attend the birth.
About an hour later, and I was moved to my post-partum room where I'd be staying for the next few days. He stayed with me the first night, and my mom the remainder of my visit. Going home was tough. I remember fearing that I wouldn't be able to handle being a mom, especially since the nurses had been so gracious. At least I still had my mom for the next couple of weeks.
It was hard.
Jace was a sleeper - and that worried me. I would have to wake him up to eat. All he wanted to do was sleep. You would think that this would mean more sleep for me, but it meant the complete opposite. I couldn't sleep, worrying about his sleeping habits deprived me from my own. The pain of healing from my cesarean and becoming engorged with milk was enough to make me want to jump out a window. My mom was such a big help.
I had so many financial worries, but couldn't dwell on them just yet. I had to keep a baby alive.
I had so much help from friends and family. Maternity leave was a breeze. Going back to work in September drained the life out of me. Being a new mom, working full time, pumping and storing milk. It was a crazy cycle.
I felt myself drifting further and further from the person I knew. I was suffocated. That's probably not the most p.c. thing to admit, seeing as becoming a new mom should captivate you, not suffocate you. But I was suffocating. I loved my baby but obsessing over him pushed me further away from myself. I didn't know how to find a safe balance.
I remember reading a story about a new mom who took a vacation directly after having her baby. She was completely torn apart in the media.. But for a moment, I wished I would've done the same. I needed to get away, but I my only escape came from when Jace went to his dad's house a couple days out of the work week.
Did I mention that my little sister came to LA to nanny for me for a few months? I thank God for that. Daycare is crazy expensive, and with my receptionist salary at my firm I didn't qualify for any government assistance. That's where my parents stepped in tremendously. I seriously don't know how I would've made it without their selflessness.
I. Was. Poor.
Poorer than poor.
With a newborn.
And overworked. And depressed.
I tried my hardest to pull myself out, but all of my old tricks didn't apply. I have to also mention that I've battled with depression for as long as I can remember. I've never taken any medication, but I know what I need to do (usually) to pull myself out. But this was harder. Much harder. Mainly because I didn't have the time to really focus on myself.
Before I knew it was Christmas break and time to go home to Michigan for a couple of weeks. We couldn't wait to break out of LA and get a change of scenery. "We" being my sister and I. Michigan was great. Bittersweet. I had a lot of fun and got a ton of rest while there, but I knew that all of it would end sooner than later. I would have to go back to LA and take care of Jace without having my sister's help.
I absolutely dreaded the thought. Honestly.